Sign up for my mailing list below. It only takes a few seconds, and I'll be sure to let you know what's going on with my exclusive list-only video blogs, downloads like ringtones and audio from recent shows, and giveaways from me and my sponsors. Every second you don't sign up, a panda dies in Brazil. I don't even think pandas live in Brazil.
Join The PMelt Mailing List

My Least Favorite Everything

Actual line I used on a girl once
We were lying on the carpet of my first apartment ever. Circa 2001.

Her: I've never just laid under a table like this.
Me: Have you ever gotten laid under a table like this?

Smooth.
Posted 6 years ago
I’ve been arguing with a woman on one of my YouTube video…


I’ve been arguing with a woman on one of my YouTube video pages (I know, but I find it amusing to troll these people). The bit is a about a middle-eastern guy on a plane, and it has a couple people upset. They are telling me it’s offensive, etc., and last night one of them started making fat jokes about me. So I posted the above this morning in response.

I’d appreciate it if some of you would go to the video page throughout the day and post condolences to my family as if I’ve passed away. Don’t over-do it, and don’t make it too cheesey and fake. Just say “I just heard Patrick passed away this afternoon”, or kind words about my comedy. Some of you should get angry at her and blame her for my death, but again, don’t make it too over-the-top or it will come off as fake.

I want to make this woman, who is obviously a Christian, feel horrible. This has potential to be really funny. Please spread the word and make this woman feel like an asshole.

Posted 6 years ago
Are you guys getting in on this B2G1 Cheese Event?


Are you guys getting in on this B2G1 Cheese Event?

Posted 6 years ago
Pays the doctors, boy!


Pays the doctors, boy!

Posted 6 years ago
Everyone’s phone is covered with shit.


Everyone’s phone is covered with shit.

Posted 6 years ago
One of my first head shots ever. Shutup.


One of my first head shots ever. Shutup.

Posted 6 years ago
Yelp! Review: Chili John’s in Burbank

Hey Chili John’s: get over yourself.

I have a friend who goes here all the time because there is one in Wisconsin where he is from. I also have a friend who is mentally challenged. I’m not saying they are the same person, but you do the math. (Just kidding. I’d never be friends with a mentally challenged person)

It’s weird to go somewhere bad just because you’re used to it. But that’s why girls stay with guys who beat them: familiarity.  I guess you’d drive all over earth to eat mediocre crap if you were raised on it, but count me out. I like food that tastes good.

They do the old thing where they mix your chili with beans or spaghetti. Whatever. I like traditional bean chili. Preferably a batch that hasn’t been sitting in a pot all day cooking to oblivion. And don’t order or a chili dog unless you like soggy, white, water-logged wieners. I felt like I was blowing an old man.

This place is small, dirty, uncomfortable and weird. I hope it closes so a cell phone store can open in it’s place.

http://www.yelp.com/biz/chili-johns-burbank#hrid:-xU0w0Wq6okQLF4atr14fA

Posted 6 years ago
Yelp! Review: Chili John’s in Burbank

Hey Chili John’s: get over yourself.

I have a friend who goes here all the time because there is one in Wisconsin where he is from. I also have a friend who is mentally challenged. I’m not saying they are the same person, but you do the math. (Just kidding. I’d never be friends with a mentally challenged person)

It’s weird to go somewhere bad just because you’re used to it. But that’s why girls stay with guys who beat them: familiarity.  I guess you’d drive all over earth to eat mediocre crap if you were raised on it, but count me out. I like food that tastes good.

They do the old thing where they mix your chili with beans or spaghetti. Whatever. I like traditional bean chili. Preferably a batch that hasn’t been sitting in a pot all day cooking to oblivion. And don’t order or a chili dog unless you like soggy, white, water-logged wieners. I felt like I was blowing an old man.

This place is small, dirty, uncomfortable and weird. I hope it closes so a cell phone store can open in it’s place.

http://www.yelp.com/biz/chili-johns-burbank#hrid:-xU0w0Wq6okQLF4atr14fA

Posted 6 years ago
Over the past year, several people have emailed me, tweeted me…


Over the past year, several people have emailed me, tweeted me and messaged me on Facebook that Tosh.0 was using bits from my podcast and my standup on the show. Someone also emailed me recently when a bit I did on the show about two years ago became a bit on Daniel Tosh’s latest standup special.

As a comic, I’m used to some occurrences of parallel thought, and I’m not quick to jump in and say that someone is or isn’t stealing from me, but I want to start archiving these occurrences on this blog.

The latest is last night on Tosh.0, which featured a sketch based on the idea of the public service announcements that tell gays and lesbians “It gets better”.

I tweeted about this over a month ago, and now it has spurned a Tosh.0 bit. Again, not accusing, but just making a note here. If there is a writer at Tosh.0 who is stealing my shit (it’s been about six thing now that I’m aware of), I hope they get what’s coming to them.

Posted 6 years ago
Now that America is 235 years old, is she finally considered a cougar? #july4th #noodles #ducks

Now that America is 235 years old, is she finally considered a cougar? #july4th #noodles #ducks

Posted 6 years ago

Listen To My Podcast

NLO 1237:
Life of Eli

Comedian Eli Nary returns to the show to finish telling us the story of his breakup. Superfan Nate joins the show as the audience for the day, and he also helps Patrick out with some comedy medicine. Eli and Patrick argue over intelligence in our recent presidents, and then Eli begins to tell one of […]


Can't make a live show?

Purchase a copy of my CD "Casual Male" from iTunes instead!

Buy "Casual Male" on iTunes!

Buy "Casual Male" on iTunes!